A Pagan Parenting Dilemma on Christmas

I had an interesting encounter this past weekend. As expected, the minute Thanksgiving is over we are inundated with Christmas--everything from music to shopping and decorations, etc. I was washing dishes and my son was watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, one of his favorite shows. Well...the episode just happened to be about Mickey and the gang saving Santa so that he could deliver presents to all the good children of the world on Christmas.

Now, my family celebrates Christmas. I also happen to observe Yule in my own ways, and have included my family in some ritual traditions over the years. As my son gets older I fully plan to continue observing both holidays for the coming together of family and the joy of the season. But this encounter with Mickey and Santa has me perplexed. I mentioned to my husband that I'm not completely convinced I want to lie to our son about Santa--as in, this fat old white guy flies all over the world and delivers presents to good children. The arguments against perpetuating such a lie are well summarized here:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/plato-pop/201312/the-santa-claus-lie-debate-answering-objections

(I'm also not a fan of the elf on the shelf, but that is for another post) I realize as a Pagan parent in our modern American society there are common cultural influences that we are exposed to regularly. I listen to classical Christmas choir music, which is eternally about the miracle birth of Christ our savior even though I am not Christian. I get that Santa is something that my kid will encounter and I'm working on formulating how and when I can navigate these conversations (both baby Jesus and Santa) while giving my son the space to choose what he wants to believe. In the end that's my ultimate goal: how can I maintain my authenticity as a Pagan parent while allowing my son to do the same? Any constructive feedback on the subject is welcome.

Blessings,

Denora

The Intricate Web of Power

I had a cold, hard reminder of power dynamics on Saturday.

I just spent a week in Denver, in a group environment dedicated to identifying and calling out systems of oppression and how they function to keep the status-quo.

I had even done some additional work to name and work through my own privilege--how it manifests and how I can become more aware of it and hopefully use it to help others.

Then I was a victim of sexual aggression.

Just that simple, someone else who thinks they can so something does because in their mind it seems like a great idea. They didn't ask my opinion. They didn't stop to think how it would make me feel. And for me, all the times I've ever been violated and all the faces of perpetrators come forward to remind me that I am a woman in this society.

A man can look at me any way he wants. He can talk to me any way he wants. He can text me sexually explicit material just because he wants....and somehow this is my fault. I asked for it.

I have a vagina, so this automatically means I asked for it.

Be aware of your power. Be aware of your privilege. Are you hurting someone? Check yourself.

-Denora

The Space Between

Many things have changed recently, one of the most notable being my acceptance into a ten-week intensive CPE internship at Johns Hopkins. I can't say enough good things about the hospital's stance on religious pluralism, and how they incorporate spiritual health as a benchmark of overall health for the patient. Here's a bit from their homepage: http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/pastoralcare/

Many people have asked me if it's an issue for me to exist in a primarily Christian institution (JHH has approximately 20% Catholic patients overall) and my answer is somewhere in the middle. On the one hand, I have willingly inserted myself into this system knowing that my spiritual beliefs fall into a minority category. However, for me the crucial piece revolves around the meaning of healing for the patient. If when I am praying with a patient and we have entered into a sacred space where our theological understandings meet, I feel the encounter holds positive merit. I do feel odd sometimes not disclosing my faith to patients. But then I have to ask myself, does that really matter? If we are all human and need love, and if I am bringing love to another person does it matter if I am doing it in the name of Jesus or the Goddess?

Blessings,

Denora

My Breastfeeding Journey

Few topics incite so many opinions or stones to throw as breastfeeding. There are adamant opinions on both sides of the fence (both for and against) and it seems now a days very much like the topic of how many children you should produce, people feel it is within their realm of expertise to comment on how you should be feeding your baby.

I'm going to write about MY journey. Not because I feel I am any type of expert, but because I believe it is important to acknowledge that each mother/baby pair is different. And while many many years ago the convenience of formula was not available or illness would make the situation much worse, we thankfully live in a day and age where a woman can choose for her and her offspring the method by which she will feed and nourish her child. Whether she is a stay at home mom or returning to work after six weeks, it's time we all left our collective egos at the door and acknowledge that no decision is ever taken lightly when it comes to the mother/baby bond.

I was hell bent and determined to do two things on becoming a mother: give natural birth and breastfeed my child for as long as he wanted to. I was blessed to at least get my first request. Unfortunately, post-partum depression, sleep deprivation, traveling for work and for school every month, a thyroid disorder, and stress has taken its toll on my milk supply. At three months I seriously considered weaning him to formula but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept up the good fight despite only making three, maybe four ounces a feeding and having to supplement with formula if he wanted more, not to mention not being able to pump enough to have a full supply for when I was out of town (which is often). I have made it past six months, almost to seven, and I must now begrudgingly admit it is time to wean him to formula. This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make and it goes against everything I believe in concerning natural child-rearing.

There is of course the guilt and the questions of why can't I do this if so many other women can? There is the shame of feeling like less of a mother. There is the pain of not having that bond with your child, not to mention the comments or looks when you're feeding him a bottle in public. (To be clear, these also happen when you're trying to breastfeed in public. See first paragraph) I'm in the middle of transitioning him, so of course the feelings are the most intense at the moment. I've had several well-meaning people tell me this is no big deal, he is perfectly healthy and I'm being silly. But let me reiterate: this is my journey. Mine and my son's. We decide what is best for us and I feel because of external factors I have had that chance taken away from me. Will this be the end of my world? Of course not. But don't demean my experiences in the name of trying to make it all seem trivial.

I am taking this step by step, day by day. I know with time this too will pass.

Denora

Our Karmic Legacy

I believe in Karma. I also believe in the prospect of pre-arranged contracts with the ones we love and those in our lives. Sometimes they stay, sometimes they go, but always with a lesson. Sometimes they stay forever because they are family.

I have a difficult time sometimes with Karmic contracts that keep us in a perpetual cycle of suffering. What is the lesson to be learned? Can we help another person or are we doomed to relive the past over and over without end? How much of another's suffering must we endure before we cut ties and can we ever truly walk away? These are challenges we all face, but we must ultimately grapple with the answers and the consequences of our actions.

What did we do in another life together? Can we be done hurting each other? Can the suffering end?

I love you.

Denora

The Children Dilemma

I don't want the title of this post to be misleading in any way. I love children. In fact, I have one of my own. I love him more than life itself, but I would be lying to you if I told you it was all sunshine and rainbows all the time. My best friend re-posted an article on Facebook and I had to write a post about it because this has been on my mind for a few months now:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-berube/2014/02/you-shouldnt-need-a-reason-for-not-having-kids/

This article touched on those who make the choice not to have children at all, but I want to add a group to this--the "one and done" folks. Folks like me who are seriously considering stopping with just my son.

But why stop at one? Aren't I afraid he'll be lonely? Doesn't he deserve a sibling? Won't he be spoiled? What happens if something happens to him?!

See, the inappropriate questions don't just stop if you're considering not having one at all. After you've had one the assumption is of course you'll add to your flock, and if you don't you're selling both yourself and your offspring short.

Here's a thought: the more I look at my little family, me, my husband, and my beautiful son--the more I realize I can devote so much to him that I wouldn't be able to do with more. All of my time, all of my resources, all of my love. He can do more recreational things in school because I can afford it if he wants. He can go to better schools if he wants. The cost of living is expensive in the Northeast. And then there are the reasons that are taboo to talk about...I want my body back. This birth was so hard on my mental state, emotional stability, and my body. I have a thyroid disorder, I'm on antidepressants for post-partum depression. I miss the way my marriage used to be so effortless and now it's a little strained. I love breastfeeding him but it is so hard while I travel for school and the ANG. And I'm trying to jumpstart a career. I did seven years on active duty and now I want to do something meaningful for me.

So yes, I might be selfish. But ask yourself what is more selfish--bringing another human being into this world to fit some arbitrary ideal that there should always be more than one per family for "balance" purposes, or taking an honest assessment of my abilities and resources and devoting everything I have to what I have? Think about that next time you want to make any comments on a woman's decision to live her life with children or without.

Denora

Leading by Fear

I have a rather personal topic to cover today, not only because it's important to put this issue into words, but because it hit home in a most personal way.

This week I was a victim of leadership by fear.

I believe it's crucial for me to clarify exactly what I mean when I say this. Basically on the spectrum of leadership styles one can find any mixture of the two oldest factors--love and fear. Surely, from historical examples we can draw a correlation between those kings, politicians, and persons of power who have led using a mixture of both these tactics, or a system of one over the other. Even in my own  leadership history I have had to find my own best balance, usually due to my own ethical and moral beliefs in the basic capacities of humanity and the necessity of accomplishing the mission. Fear is a useful tool when used correctly, but can lead to animosity, laziness, and desensitization if used ineffectively.

In my case, I was exposed to the type of leadership style which borders on abuse of power. This is driven by the need to instill fear in the member in order to correct some observed misconduct, but also when examined from all angles comes across as insulting rather than disciplinary because it lacks the basic level of respect that should be present between two members of an organization regardless of rank or position. Examples of this also include mysoginistic behaviors towards women, racial discrimination, or discrimination based on age, religion, disability, or other cause. Behaviors directly observed to be driven by one of these factors are better suited to be reported to outside agencies or higher management, however cases of abuse of power are often so obtuse they can often be heralded as no-nonsense leadership and lauded as getting to the point of business. Make no mistake though, abuse of power and position is still abuse and has the detrimental effect of degrading the productivity and  effectiveness of its workers. In the end, this type of leadership has the absolute opposite effect than intended. Leadership itself is an art, but not one that operates independently from the basic needs of people so long as it is practiced between people. Just some thoughts.


Denora

Frustrations You Never Thought About

After the huggy feeling of my last post I need to go ahead and lay my next one out. I posted briefly on FB recently about my frustrations with the military medical system, and particularly how it pertains to prenatal care and labor/delivery. Let me be clear on one thing up front: I've been an active duty member for seven years and I've never had any issues with the medical system or TRICARE. In fact, anytime I've needed care or medication (which has been rarely) I've always received in my mind adequate service. I realize not everyone can say this in all honesty so I count myself as fortunate.

However, for me prenatal care and labor/delivery is a whole 'nother ballgame. I've recently finished reading a book by my personal hero Ina May Gaskin (if you are a woman and highly interested in natural childbirth I recommend this book hands down: http://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1365350765&sr=8-1&keywords=ina+may%27s+guide+to+childbirth)

I'm the type of person who when faced with a new challenge (i.e. pregnancy) I research the crap out of all of my options in order to make what I feel are educated decisions. Being somewhat of a hippie, this started with the idea of natural childbirth and led me eventually down the rabbit hole to my beef with TRICARE and the military medical system. I'm going to describe this in some detail, and I understand not everyone may agree with my viewpoint. Certainly there are countless women out there who have given birth either in military hospitals or civilian run hospitals overseen by military OBGYNs and their experiences were marvelous. This rant is not about my perceptions of any shortcomings of the system in place--in fact if I chose to give birth in a hospital under modern conceptions of labor and delivery I'm sure I would be well taken care of. This rant is more about choice. I am, in effect, furious about my LACK of choice within the current military medical system. (And yes, I am aware of the consequences of signing on the dotted line, and I am thankful to have medical care in the first place, and this post is not about either of those points either)

I am disappointed that in a country such as the United States, with the technological and medical advances we have on hand (curing cancer...etc) we are still touting that women who are pregnant are objects to be scrutinized instead of celebrated. When I am seen by an OBGYN I am in essence my vital signs--blood pressure, height, weight, whether or not my blood has any indicators for down syndrome, cerebral palsy, or any other abnormalities. I'm not asked how I feel, how my pregnancy is progressing, am I having any difficulties with the emotional aspects of these changes. I am asked if I'm having any pain, and then I am arbitrarily prescribed antibiotics for a "condition" that is both natural and has no lasting effect on my labor or baby, but not informed that the consumption of oral antibiotics during pregnancy has been directly linked to damaging effects on the developing immune system of babies in several studies across several countries. My choices of where to give birth are ONE place, within ONE system, yet I am forced to be juggled between FOUR OBGYNs who just see me as statistics on a chart.

I am a person. I have a name. My baby has a name and is also a person. I want a choice on how they are brought into this world, without interference or being told by some "expert" how it should be done, where it should be done, and what drugs I need on what schedule to make them come out on time. I believe women are perfectly made to birth children with as little interference as possible (unless some medical intervention is necessary to save lives). And I don't want to be scared and rushed during this incredibly wondrous and challenging time in my life. This is how I feel, and completely my opinion. But there is something to be said when a large system imposes itself in something so personal as childbirth. This isn't limited to the military either. This is a larger problem that's prevalent in insurance coverage and the hospital system all across our country. This problem won't go away until women stand up and take charge of their pregnancies and their bodies by educating themselves. We are not victims. Pregnancy is not some "condition" or broken limb to be fixed. It is a natural process that women have been completing without medical intervention for millennia. This is my soapbox and my passion. I don't expect TRICARE or the military medical system to change for me, but I am disappointed that this is the frustration I never thought I would have to face.

Denora