A Prayer for My Unborn Son

As the time of my imminent labor approaches the only word I can use to describe my state of mind is philosophical. The desire to want to do the right thing is so strong, which is odd because the "right thing" is a flexible concept at best.

The best I can come up with is this post on what I would say to my son if he were sitting in front of me and could understand the gravity of my love:

First of all I want you to embrace life. Not in a canned or standard "live life to the fullest" sentiment--but a full on soul scraping tumble with life as it comes. I want you to drink, and eat, and make love, and fight, and delve into the depths of your own existence until you have no choice but to embrace your broken humanity and choose to make something of it. Don't hobble through this life or "make due" just because it's easy. Join the Peace Corps, or the military, or sell all of your belongings and spend some time as a monk--but whatever you do please do it fully and without regret.

Honor. Honor thy mother and father, but also thyself and all living things placed upon this existence as they are reflections of the divine.

Play. Play to the fullest extent this life can offer. Roll and tumble and get dirty. Make something with your hands and appreciate the wonder that can only exist in the human imagination.

Love. Grapple with this concept every day of your life. What does it mean to love? What is unconditional love? How do we love, and how do we make sense of all our failings when it comes to loving ourselves and others? Understand that I love you more than I can express even though we've never met, and all I have is the feeling of you next to my heart. I will cherish you all the days of my life and I can only promise to teach you the things I have learned and hope to support you in your journey. I am honored you chose me to be your mother.

This is my prayer for you my son.

Blessings,

Denora

Claiming Your Power (Recognizing Your Divine Right)

In a world where we are constantly bombarded with expectations, it can be difficult to remember one key point: We are not just physical beings inhabiting this physical space. We are in fact spiritual beings temporarily inhabiting this physical space for a purpose. This often gets lost in the minutiae of everyday existence.

I learned a very important lesson today that boils down to recognizing your divinity. This comes in a variety of forms, but one of the most basic involves the divine right to love and respect. All beings in this existence have this right, though the concepts and how to apply them are muddled way too often. Additionally, it can be difficult to remember this goes both ways. Love and respect are not something to be earned--they are not arbitrary objects to be quantified or subjectively given. They are universal concepts to be applied to every living thing in every situation, regardless of differences of opinion.

This is the first step in recognizing your divinity. And it is a powerful lesson to remember when you feel powerless or defenseless.

Blessings,

Denora

The Clearing

Today I out-processed from both my unit and active duty.

A momentous decision, and one that comes with extreme excitement for the future with just a tinge of trepidation. I can only compare the feeling to slowly walking to the edge of a cliff, looking down, and then closing your eyes and jumping with full abandon into the unknown.

Not completely unknown...I start classes again in January and I managed to find what promises to be an interesting job with the Pennsylvania Air National Guard. These things help ground me and remind me of the connections I have built and continue to cultivate. In the end I am eager for the next chapter in my life with my new family and new horizons. Let the adventure begin!

Bright Blessings,

Denora

Through the Forest...

Time has a way of changing perspectives, and life has a way of changing depending on which perspective you are using. If you had told me a year ago that I would be purchasing a home, having a baby, and separating from the Air Force I probably would have laughed at the thought--but perspectives change.

My separation package has gone all the way through AFPC. I have orders in hand. And I am completely at a loss as to what my life will entail come 1 August 2013. My first reaction was fear--fear of not having income, fear of not having the Air Force to fall back on for so many things; the foremost being a sense of purpose and of identity. When you serve your country even for a short amount of time there is a shift that occurs in your mentality. You have become a brother or sister in arms and so much of who you are becomes engrained with the uniform. I can appreciate the identity crisis that occurs in folks who have done 20 years or more. Half of your life has been lived serving and now you are free. What do you do after that? Where do you go? I haven't served for 20 years, but I have served long enough that my professional identity is that of an Air Force officer...I don't know anything else.

You have to look in the mirror and begin to focus on who you are outside of the military. I am a seminary student. I am a soon-to-be mother. I am a wife. A daughter. A friend. I have a home and I have two hands and will develop a new identity as time goes by. I will always cherish the time I served. I am thankful to have had the opportunity and for all the amazing people and places I've been. But there is a new chapter in my life that is beginning. I'm excited for the possibilities to come. I want to start my own business. I need to finish my degree so I can begin helping others in a new way. We think the path is always so clear in the moment...what happens when you hit the forest?

Blessings,

Denora

The Strength of a Child

This past weekend I once again had the amazing opportunity to support a program that I feel is truly making a difference for young people. I've been doing this for five years and every year reaffirms so many things for me--children are so amazing in their capacity to internalize and cope with huge life-changing events like losing a parent or loved one in war or other circumstances.

The program is called TAPS: Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors and information on them can be found here: http://www.taps.org/

Besides the National Good Grief Camp which is held annually in Washington D.C., TAPS also has a myriad of regional camps and activities for families of fallen service members throughout the year. The message we are determined to send is even though your loved one is gone, the military family has not forgotten you--you are important and still very loved.

The reason I keep coming back every year has nothing to do with political beliefs or any reasons other than the true human connection that can exist between hundreds of family members and service members. For four days we coexist in a beautiful partnership to celebrate and remember those who have passed, and as mentors we are privileged to witness the growth of children into young adults. Our only wish is to help these young men and women realize their potential and recognize the beauty of human strength. These children are amazing and they evoke the strongest emotions even in the most stalwart of us who are called to serve.

My heart goes out to all of these families and I hope to still be able to serve for years to come in this capacity. I think this program answers a crucial need in a society who has faced over a decade of active combat--how do we best take care of people when we continuously expose them to the horrors and violence of combat? How do we make sure our children recognize the necessity of their existence, to be the next generation of Americans who will make the hard decisions in this country? The answers I think surprise everyone in their breadth and complexity. I listened to a fourteen year old tell a story about social pressure and suicide, but reaffirm that death is only a temporary release of the pain and would no doubt cause more unnecessary suffering for their family. These are issues we hope no child ever has to face, and yet there are hundreds who have and many more who haven't found help yet. I feel truly blessed to be able to reach out and touch another human being in that capacity, and thankful we have such loving support for each other.

Blessings,

Denora

On the Path: Spiritual Pregnancy

"Pregnancy magnifies women; they become more than simply human. They become living avatars of the Goddess."

"Childbirth, like other women’s mysteries, allows a connection to be made between the laboring woman and all her female ancestors, as well as her ultimate ancestor and mother, the Goddess."

Murphy-Hiscock, Arin (2008-07-01). Passages Pagan Pregnancy (Kindle Locations 306-307). F+W Media, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Today I want to write about pregnancy. Not in a complaining light, but rather from a spiritual perspective.

"The Goddess is first of all the earth, the dark nurturing mother who brings forth all life. She is the power of fertility and generation; the womb, and also the receptive tomb, the power of death. All proceeds from her; all returns to her. As earth, she is also plant life; trees, the herbs and grains that sustain life. She is the body, and the body is sacred...whether we are eating, sleeping, making love, we are manifesting the Goddess." --Starhawk 

Those who are familiar with the concept of the three-fold Goddess will recognize the significance of this particular transition from maiden to mother. Not only is it a physical transformation, but the internal  transformation is one that carries a woman through the next phase of life. It could be said that labor itself is a birthing not only of another life-form, but also of a new woman. 

I find myself reflecting more on my own childhood and on the changes I am experiencing as my baby grows. I've noticed my life choices become less about me particularly as they become more about us--my husband, my child, and our future as a family. As I take in the physical changes I am preparing myself for bringing my child into the world, both what that means literally and emotionally. I am excited to teach and to learn, and I feel blessed to be given this opportunity to affect another human being so profoundly. 

Life as it grows inside you is nurturing and reassuring. It brings a calm that tells you in no uncertain terms that the circle of life goes on continuously. We as human beings are irrevocably connected to one another, with birth being just the beginning of the journey. 

Blessings,

Denora

Leading by Fear

I have a rather personal topic to cover today, not only because it's important to put this issue into words, but because it hit home in a most personal way.

This week I was a victim of leadership by fear.

I believe it's crucial for me to clarify exactly what I mean when I say this. Basically on the spectrum of leadership styles one can find any mixture of the two oldest factors--love and fear. Surely, from historical examples we can draw a correlation between those kings, politicians, and persons of power who have led using a mixture of both these tactics, or a system of one over the other. Even in my own  leadership history I have had to find my own best balance, usually due to my own ethical and moral beliefs in the basic capacities of humanity and the necessity of accomplishing the mission. Fear is a useful tool when used correctly, but can lead to animosity, laziness, and desensitization if used ineffectively.

In my case, I was exposed to the type of leadership style which borders on abuse of power. This is driven by the need to instill fear in the member in order to correct some observed misconduct, but also when examined from all angles comes across as insulting rather than disciplinary because it lacks the basic level of respect that should be present between two members of an organization regardless of rank or position. Examples of this also include mysoginistic behaviors towards women, racial discrimination, or discrimination based on age, religion, disability, or other cause. Behaviors directly observed to be driven by one of these factors are better suited to be reported to outside agencies or higher management, however cases of abuse of power are often so obtuse they can often be heralded as no-nonsense leadership and lauded as getting to the point of business. Make no mistake though, abuse of power and position is still abuse and has the detrimental effect of degrading the productivity and  effectiveness of its workers. In the end, this type of leadership has the absolute opposite effect than intended. Leadership itself is an art, but not one that operates independently from the basic needs of people so long as it is practiced between people. Just some thoughts.


Denora