My very best friend introduced me to a wonderful poem by Margaret Atwood titled "Variation on the Word Sleep." I loved it so much I asked her to read it at my wedding, but my favorite line goes something like this:
"I would like to give the the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief at the center of your dream, from the grief at the center. I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary."
Motherhood reminds me of something like this dichotomy. I want to protect my child from the world, yet I realize in time I must simply be the foundation upon which his independence took root--that unnoticed and yet that necessary. To do anything else is to disrupt what I fear is the delicate balance of life.
Another friend of mine recommended a book to help me struggle through the first few weeks of motherhood. I had what the modern day medical institution likes to term "baby blues" but what I would deem to be full on post partum depression mixed with "I have no idea what the hell I'm doing or what's going on" syndrome. The book is called A Life's Work: On Becoming a Mother by Rachel Cusk and it was momentous in helping me understand what I was going through was normal even though it felt about as far from normal as anything I've ever experienced. Motherhood in its infancy is messy and terrible, and this book does a pretty good job of highlighting some things you've thought about but never wanted to discuss: http://www.amazon.com/Lifes-Work-On-Becoming-Mother/dp/0312311303/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1384194412&sr=8-2&keywords=a+lifes+work
I've taken the liberty of highlighting some of the most powerful quotes that for me summed up everything in how I was feeling. I still can't say I'm over everything and running on all cylinders. I can however say I'm taking it day by day. I am better than I was and I continue to find balance in this new life. Some of the things she says in her book are horrible. They may even border on taboo in so much that she holds nothing back in her transition into parenthood and what it cost her. I can't say I haven't shared some of her thoughts...but these are the inner struggles of a very personal nature. I still wouldn't change anything.
"If parental love is the blueprint for all loves, it is also a re-enactment, a revision, an investigation of self-love. When I care for my child I revisit my own vulnerability, my primordial helplessness....Love is more respectable, more practical, more hardworking than I had ever suspected, but it lies close to the power to destroy."
--I am constantly shocked at the capacity of the human heart to love. Just when I feel like I can't possibly love my husband any more than I do I see him interact with our son and I love him all the more for being a wonderful father. The day my son came into this world my heart and the center of gravity of my world suddenly shifted to this tiny creature. It is exciting and frightening to think how much of me is wrapped into this cosmos of my family, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
"There is in truth no utterance that could express the magnitude of the change from woman or man to mother or father, and in the absence of definitive statement the subject becomes peopled with delusions and ghosts, with mis-apprehensions and exaggerations and underestimations, becomes separated from the general drift of human conversation, so that parenthood is not a transition but a defection, a political act."
--I constantly reflect on the change that happens when you become a parent. Suddenly the things that mattered so much before really have no bearing. You also become one of "them"--those individuals who seem obsessed with their children and that's all they can talk about. It isn't all of me, but it has become so much of me that to not talk about it is to not acknowledge the single most important shift in my life.
"Caring for him is like being responsible for the weather, for the grass growing: my privileged relationship with tie has changed, and though these tasks are not yet arduous they already constitute a sort of serfdom, a slavery, in that I am not free to go. It is a humbling change. It represents too a reckoning of my former freedom, my distance from duty. The harness of motherhood chafes my skin, and yet occasionally I find predictable integrity in it too, a freedom of a different sort: from complexity and choice and from reams of unscripted time upon which I used to write my days, bearing the burden of their authorship. It does not escape me that in this last sentiment I am walking over the grave of my sex. The state of motherhood speaks to my native fear of achievement."
"I couldn't spend a Saturday morning reading, that I couldn't stroll unfettered in the warmth of a summer's evening or go swimming or wander down to the pub for a drink. The loss of these things seemed a high, an exorbitant price to pay for the privilege of motherhood; and though much was given back to me in the form of my daughter it was not payment in kind nor even in a different coin, was not in fact recompense of any sort."
--I can't say this prison of my own making isn't uncomfortable. It's like trying on a new skin and realizing nothing about you is the same. The ups are new types of up while the downs are the deepest darkest recesses of hell. Labor and delivery constitute a test of which when passed only charges you head on into a new and complex existence that you aren't prepared for. Nothing prepares you for this.
"I know it is the hardest work I have ever done I worry that my execution of it has been somehow flawed and unauthentic, a burned offering, a botched canvas. Perhaps it is only children who confer upon their parents this meaning I feel myself to lack...I vow to own my feelings of inadequacy and in authenticity. I vow to end this succession, this history of ruler and ruled, here with me."
--The intense primal desire to do well, to have an impact on this precious life and so to give your life meaning is the reason for continuing. These variations on motherhood are the paint that fleshes out the canvas of our existence. Without these depths we are nothing. But they are terrifying in the light of one's internal reflection. I have only begun the great work of shaping not only my son's life, but striving to understand my own.
Denora
Monday, November 11, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
The Seasons Change
It's been five weeks since I gave birth to my son.
It's amazing how much things can change in even five weeks. I look outside and the leaves are changing and falling from the trees. The temperature has noticeably fallen and there is a distinct smell of autumn in the air whenever you walk outside. The squirrels are constantly eating and storing up for what I'm guessing is going to be a cold winter. In my mind I remember all the way back to January when I first learned I was pregnant and think...where did this year go? I spent the entire summer as big as a house and now here we are. This leads me to the next lesson along the path--seasons change.
My last post wasn't very sunny. I've been working through the intense emotions that come with leaving a seven year career and becoming a stay-at-home mom, not to mention the marathon that is pregnancy and delivery and new motherhood. I am horribly sleep deprived and on the steepest learning curve of my life trying to navigate the needs of this new life in my arms. There are days where I resent my decisions, not because they are bad but because in a way this feels like voluntary imprisonment and insanity. There are moments that make up for all of it--when my little one smiles at me and giggles it makes all of the craziness seem worth it. My point is I'm a work in progress. This life I'm building is some massive construction site and the bricks and mortar are laying everywhere. But the seasons are changing. I realized yesterday as I took my first jog around my block ever so slowly that my body despite being bent all kinds of ways is still healthy and strong. It's going to take a hell of a lot of work to get me back to where I was pre-baby and I may not even get there. The days of being (relatively) effortlessly in shape may be behind me. But this is the new season of my life as a mother. I read a very sobering article on post partum body image here: http://www.lalecheleague.org/nb/nbsepoct00p156.html
The same goes for the stay-at-home part. I read a fantastic article on that here: http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/
It helps me put these things into perspective when I stop thinking about all the things I gave up to stop working and think instead on all the things I'm gaining by being with my little one every day. I don't have to pay for daycare sure, but I also don't have to agonize over someone else raising my child and me only getting time with him on weekends. I realize everyday that the little signals he gives to let me know he needs something are his own language, and I can care for him better because I recognize it. I also think of the bonds we're building and I am crazy thankful everyday that my husband is hard working and loves his family and I can raise our kids.
These are the seasons of my life. They constantly change. But I'm getting slowly better at being OK with that.
Denora
It's amazing how much things can change in even five weeks. I look outside and the leaves are changing and falling from the trees. The temperature has noticeably fallen and there is a distinct smell of autumn in the air whenever you walk outside. The squirrels are constantly eating and storing up for what I'm guessing is going to be a cold winter. In my mind I remember all the way back to January when I first learned I was pregnant and think...where did this year go? I spent the entire summer as big as a house and now here we are. This leads me to the next lesson along the path--seasons change.
My last post wasn't very sunny. I've been working through the intense emotions that come with leaving a seven year career and becoming a stay-at-home mom, not to mention the marathon that is pregnancy and delivery and new motherhood. I am horribly sleep deprived and on the steepest learning curve of my life trying to navigate the needs of this new life in my arms. There are days where I resent my decisions, not because they are bad but because in a way this feels like voluntary imprisonment and insanity. There are moments that make up for all of it--when my little one smiles at me and giggles it makes all of the craziness seem worth it. My point is I'm a work in progress. This life I'm building is some massive construction site and the bricks and mortar are laying everywhere. But the seasons are changing. I realized yesterday as I took my first jog around my block ever so slowly that my body despite being bent all kinds of ways is still healthy and strong. It's going to take a hell of a lot of work to get me back to where I was pre-baby and I may not even get there. The days of being (relatively) effortlessly in shape may be behind me. But this is the new season of my life as a mother. I read a very sobering article on post partum body image here: http://www.lalecheleague.org/nb/nbsepoct00p156.html
The same goes for the stay-at-home part. I read a fantastic article on that here: http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/
It helps me put these things into perspective when I stop thinking about all the things I gave up to stop working and think instead on all the things I'm gaining by being with my little one every day. I don't have to pay for daycare sure, but I also don't have to agonize over someone else raising my child and me only getting time with him on weekends. I realize everyday that the little signals he gives to let me know he needs something are his own language, and I can care for him better because I recognize it. I also think of the bonds we're building and I am crazy thankful everyday that my husband is hard working and loves his family and I can raise our kids.
These are the seasons of my life. They constantly change. But I'm getting slowly better at being OK with that.
Denora
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
The Untold Story
I wrote quite a bit during my pregnancy because for me it marked one of the most influential and amazing periods of my life. To this day I still marvel that my body was able to grow another living human and bring him successfully into the world.
Today I'm going to write on a bit of a darker topic. This by no means diminishes the joy and love I feel when I hold my son in my arms, but there are things that need to be said because I feel we as a society don't talk about certain topics or we brush over them and minimize their effect--then we wonder why so many people dance the line of suicide or worse. I'm writing as a way to cope with my own inner dialogue, and hopefully my words ring true enough to help someone in the future either talk to a friend or manage their own inner dialogue.
The first thing I want to address, and something we don't talk about is labor and delivery of humans. Women in America are exposed to an over-dramatized idea of what labor is like, how long it takes, and how painful it is--driving the majority of them to seek some sort of external pain management either through an epidural or by c-section. I have my own feelings about the ability of a woman's body to do something it has done without medical intervention for millenia, but for the sake of keeping this simple I will just limit it to saying I gave birth naturally with no medical intervention. I was very blessed to have an outstanding birth team (both midwives and my doula) and I labored for thirteen hours with my son. No one tells you how excruciating, frightening, wonderful, and empowering this experience can be. Women no longer tell you the empowerment behind birthing another soul because they are so afraid of the process and hospitals have capitalized on continuing to feed that fear. In the throws of labor a woman meets her maker and finds out the absolute limits of her body. It is a terrifying experience and one that leaves you scarred, but also gives you the most satisfying sense of accomplishment. In the end though you are reduced to a shaking, sweating, painful mess no matter how you give birth. This rite of initiation into motherhood is just the beginning.
The next thing I want to address is the aftermath. They say that "baby blues" are the normal fallout following childbirth as your system fights to regulate the cocktail of hormones that flowed through you both during pregnancy and labor. People come and go, bring you food, hold your baby, offer to cook for you and help you clean, and you are an emotional mess. You are ridiculously in love with this small human, and yet your body is now inextricably tied to its survival. You cry for no reason, you just want to be by yourself, you hate the changes in your body, and you are now a slave to this lifestyle. You don't sleep, you can't have sex, and despite your best efforts sometimes the baby just cries and cries. You have lost yourself in the folds of this new life. It feels like you're drowning. If this goes on for too long it's labeled as depression and people become uncomfortable. They want you to seek medical help.
No one tells you these things when you become pregnant or before. Well, I'm putting these things out there. My life is forever changed. I am grateful beyond measure, but stop minimizing my experiences to Hollywood versions of labor and shining happy parenthood afterwards. I feel like there are many women who go through this and not enough resources that don't involve psychologists and medication. When you are silently suffering on the inside the last thing you want is to explain yourself to every person who asks how you're doing.
Denora
Today I'm going to write on a bit of a darker topic. This by no means diminishes the joy and love I feel when I hold my son in my arms, but there are things that need to be said because I feel we as a society don't talk about certain topics or we brush over them and minimize their effect--then we wonder why so many people dance the line of suicide or worse. I'm writing as a way to cope with my own inner dialogue, and hopefully my words ring true enough to help someone in the future either talk to a friend or manage their own inner dialogue.
The first thing I want to address, and something we don't talk about is labor and delivery of humans. Women in America are exposed to an over-dramatized idea of what labor is like, how long it takes, and how painful it is--driving the majority of them to seek some sort of external pain management either through an epidural or by c-section. I have my own feelings about the ability of a woman's body to do something it has done without medical intervention for millenia, but for the sake of keeping this simple I will just limit it to saying I gave birth naturally with no medical intervention. I was very blessed to have an outstanding birth team (both midwives and my doula) and I labored for thirteen hours with my son. No one tells you how excruciating, frightening, wonderful, and empowering this experience can be. Women no longer tell you the empowerment behind birthing another soul because they are so afraid of the process and hospitals have capitalized on continuing to feed that fear. In the throws of labor a woman meets her maker and finds out the absolute limits of her body. It is a terrifying experience and one that leaves you scarred, but also gives you the most satisfying sense of accomplishment. In the end though you are reduced to a shaking, sweating, painful mess no matter how you give birth. This rite of initiation into motherhood is just the beginning.
The next thing I want to address is the aftermath. They say that "baby blues" are the normal fallout following childbirth as your system fights to regulate the cocktail of hormones that flowed through you both during pregnancy and labor. People come and go, bring you food, hold your baby, offer to cook for you and help you clean, and you are an emotional mess. You are ridiculously in love with this small human, and yet your body is now inextricably tied to its survival. You cry for no reason, you just want to be by yourself, you hate the changes in your body, and you are now a slave to this lifestyle. You don't sleep, you can't have sex, and despite your best efforts sometimes the baby just cries and cries. You have lost yourself in the folds of this new life. It feels like you're drowning. If this goes on for too long it's labeled as depression and people become uncomfortable. They want you to seek medical help.
No one tells you these things when you become pregnant or before. Well, I'm putting these things out there. My life is forever changed. I am grateful beyond measure, but stop minimizing my experiences to Hollywood versions of labor and shining happy parenthood afterwards. I feel like there are many women who go through this and not enough resources that don't involve psychologists and medication. When you are silently suffering on the inside the last thing you want is to explain yourself to every person who asks how you're doing.
Denora
Friday, August 16, 2013
A Prayer for My Unborn Son
As the time of my imminent labor approaches the only word I can use to describe my state of mind is philosophical. The desire to want to do the right thing is so strong, which is odd because the "right thing" is a flexible concept at best.
The best I can come up with is this post on what I would say to my son if he were sitting in front of me and could understand the gravity of my love:
First of all I want you to embrace life. Not in a canned or standard "live life to the fullest" sentiment--but a full on soul scraping tumble with life as it comes. I want you to drink, and eat, and make love, and fight, and delve into the depths of your own existence until you have no choice but to embrace your broken humanity and choose to make something of it. Don't hobble through this life or "make due" just because it's easy. Join the Peace Corps, or the military, or sell all of your belongings and spend some time as a monk--but whatever you do please do it fully and without regret.
Honor. Honor thy mother and father, but also thyself and all living things placed upon this existence as they are reflections of the divine.
Play. Play to the fullest extent this life can offer. Roll and tumble and get dirty. Make something with your hands and appreciate the wonder that can only exist in the human imagination.
Love. Grapple with this concept every day of your life. What does it mean to love? What is unconditional love? How do we love, and how do we make sense of all our failings when it comes to loving ourselves and others? Understand that I love you more than I can express even though we've never met, and all I have is the feeling of you next to my heart. I will cherish you all the days of my life and I can only promise to teach you the things I have learned and hope to support you in your journey. I am honored you chose me to be your mother.
This is my prayer for you my son.
Blessings,
Denora
The best I can come up with is this post on what I would say to my son if he were sitting in front of me and could understand the gravity of my love:
First of all I want you to embrace life. Not in a canned or standard "live life to the fullest" sentiment--but a full on soul scraping tumble with life as it comes. I want you to drink, and eat, and make love, and fight, and delve into the depths of your own existence until you have no choice but to embrace your broken humanity and choose to make something of it. Don't hobble through this life or "make due" just because it's easy. Join the Peace Corps, or the military, or sell all of your belongings and spend some time as a monk--but whatever you do please do it fully and without regret.
Honor. Honor thy mother and father, but also thyself and all living things placed upon this existence as they are reflections of the divine.
Play. Play to the fullest extent this life can offer. Roll and tumble and get dirty. Make something with your hands and appreciate the wonder that can only exist in the human imagination.
Love. Grapple with this concept every day of your life. What does it mean to love? What is unconditional love? How do we love, and how do we make sense of all our failings when it comes to loving ourselves and others? Understand that I love you more than I can express even though we've never met, and all I have is the feeling of you next to my heart. I will cherish you all the days of my life and I can only promise to teach you the things I have learned and hope to support you in your journey. I am honored you chose me to be your mother.
This is my prayer for you my son.
Blessings,
Denora
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Claiming Your Power (Recognizing Your Divine Right)
In a world where we are constantly bombarded with expectations, it can be difficult to remember one key point: We are not just physical beings inhabiting this physical space. We are in fact spiritual beings temporarily inhabiting this physical space for a purpose. This often gets lost in the minutiae of everyday existence.
I learned a very important lesson today that boils down to recognizing your divinity. This comes in a variety of forms, but one of the most basic involves the divine right to love and respect. All beings in this existence have this right, though the concepts and how to apply them are muddled way too often. Additionally, it can be difficult to remember this goes both ways. Love and respect are not something to be earned--they are not arbitrary objects to be quantified or subjectively given. They are universal concepts to be applied to every living thing in every situation, regardless of differences of opinion.
This is the first step in recognizing your divinity. And it is a powerful lesson to remember when you feel powerless or defenseless.
Blessings,
Denora
I learned a very important lesson today that boils down to recognizing your divinity. This comes in a variety of forms, but one of the most basic involves the divine right to love and respect. All beings in this existence have this right, though the concepts and how to apply them are muddled way too often. Additionally, it can be difficult to remember this goes both ways. Love and respect are not something to be earned--they are not arbitrary objects to be quantified or subjectively given. They are universal concepts to be applied to every living thing in every situation, regardless of differences of opinion.
This is the first step in recognizing your divinity. And it is a powerful lesson to remember when you feel powerless or defenseless.
Blessings,
Denora
Monday, July 29, 2013
The Clearing
Today I out-processed from both my unit and active duty.
A momentous decision, and one that comes with extreme excitement for the future with just a tinge of trepidation. I can only compare the feeling to slowly walking to the edge of a cliff, looking down, and then closing your eyes and jumping with full abandon into the unknown.
Not completely unknown...I start classes again in January and I managed to find what promises to be an interesting job with the Pennsylvania Air National Guard. These things help ground me and remind me of the connections I have built and continue to cultivate. In the end I am eager for the next chapter in my life with my new family and new horizons. Let the adventure begin!
Bright Blessings,
Denora
A momentous decision, and one that comes with extreme excitement for the future with just a tinge of trepidation. I can only compare the feeling to slowly walking to the edge of a cliff, looking down, and then closing your eyes and jumping with full abandon into the unknown.
Not completely unknown...I start classes again in January and I managed to find what promises to be an interesting job with the Pennsylvania Air National Guard. These things help ground me and remind me of the connections I have built and continue to cultivate. In the end I am eager for the next chapter in my life with my new family and new horizons. Let the adventure begin!
Bright Blessings,
Denora
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Through the Forest...
Time has a way of changing perspectives, and life has a way of changing depending on which perspective you are using. If you had told me a year ago that I would be purchasing a home, having a baby, and separating from the Air Force I probably would have laughed at the thought--but perspectives change.
My separation package has gone all the way through AFPC. I have orders in hand. And I am completely at a loss as to what my life will entail come 1 August 2013. My first reaction was fear--fear of not having income, fear of not having the Air Force to fall back on for so many things; the foremost being a sense of purpose and of identity. When you serve your country even for a short amount of time there is a shift that occurs in your mentality. You have become a brother or sister in arms and so much of who you are becomes engrained with the uniform. I can appreciate the identity crisis that occurs in folks who have done 20 years or more. Half of your life has been lived serving and now you are free. What do you do after that? Where do you go? I haven't served for 20 years, but I have served long enough that my professional identity is that of an Air Force officer...I don't know anything else.
You have to look in the mirror and begin to focus on who you are outside of the military. I am a seminary student. I am a soon-to-be mother. I am a wife. A daughter. A friend. I have a home and I have two hands and will develop a new identity as time goes by. I will always cherish the time I served. I am thankful to have had the opportunity and for all the amazing people and places I've been. But there is a new chapter in my life that is beginning. I'm excited for the possibilities to come. I want to start my own business. I need to finish my degree so I can begin helping others in a new way. We think the path is always so clear in the moment...what happens when you hit the forest?
Blessings,
Denora
My separation package has gone all the way through AFPC. I have orders in hand. And I am completely at a loss as to what my life will entail come 1 August 2013. My first reaction was fear--fear of not having income, fear of not having the Air Force to fall back on for so many things; the foremost being a sense of purpose and of identity. When you serve your country even for a short amount of time there is a shift that occurs in your mentality. You have become a brother or sister in arms and so much of who you are becomes engrained with the uniform. I can appreciate the identity crisis that occurs in folks who have done 20 years or more. Half of your life has been lived serving and now you are free. What do you do after that? Where do you go? I haven't served for 20 years, but I have served long enough that my professional identity is that of an Air Force officer...I don't know anything else.
You have to look in the mirror and begin to focus on who you are outside of the military. I am a seminary student. I am a soon-to-be mother. I am a wife. A daughter. A friend. I have a home and I have two hands and will develop a new identity as time goes by. I will always cherish the time I served. I am thankful to have had the opportunity and for all the amazing people and places I've been. But there is a new chapter in my life that is beginning. I'm excited for the possibilities to come. I want to start my own business. I need to finish my degree so I can begin helping others in a new way. We think the path is always so clear in the moment...what happens when you hit the forest?
Blessings,
Denora
Saturday, June 1, 2013
The Strength of a Child
This past weekend I once again had the amazing opportunity to support a program that I feel is truly making a difference for young people. I've been doing this for five years and every year reaffirms so many things for me--children are so amazing in their capacity to internalize and cope with huge life-changing events like losing a parent or loved one in war or other circumstances.
The program is called TAPS: Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors and information on them can be found here: http://www.taps.org/
Besides the National Good Grief Camp which is held annually in Washington D.C., TAPS also has a myriad of regional camps and activities for families of fallen service members throughout the year. The message we are determined to send is even though your loved one is gone, the military family has not forgotten you--you are important and still very loved.
The program is called TAPS: Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors and information on them can be found here: http://www.taps.org/
Besides the National Good Grief Camp which is held annually in Washington D.C., TAPS also has a myriad of regional camps and activities for families of fallen service members throughout the year. The message we are determined to send is even though your loved one is gone, the military family has not forgotten you--you are important and still very loved.
The reason I keep coming back every year has nothing to do with political beliefs or any reasons other than the true human connection that can exist between hundreds of family members and service members. For four days we coexist in a beautiful partnership to celebrate and remember those who have passed, and as mentors we are privileged to witness the growth of children into young adults. Our only wish is to help these young men and women realize their potential and recognize the beauty of human strength. These children are amazing and they evoke the strongest emotions even in the most stalwart of us who are called to serve.
My heart goes out to all of these families and I hope to still be able to serve for years to come in this capacity. I think this program answers a crucial need in a society who has faced over a decade of active combat--how do we best take care of people when we continuously expose them to the horrors and violence of combat? How do we make sure our children recognize the necessity of their existence, to be the next generation of Americans who will make the hard decisions in this country? The answers I think surprise everyone in their breadth and complexity. I listened to a fourteen year old tell a story about social pressure and suicide, but reaffirm that death is only a temporary release of the pain and would no doubt cause more unnecessary suffering for their family. These are issues we hope no child ever has to face, and yet there are hundreds who have and many more who haven't found help yet. I feel truly blessed to be able to reach out and touch another human being in that capacity, and thankful we have such loving support for each other.
Blessings,
Denora
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
On the Path: Spiritual Pregnancy
"Pregnancy magnifies women; they become more than simply human. They become living avatars of the Goddess."
"Childbirth, like other women’s mysteries, allows a connection to be made between the laboring woman and all her female ancestors, as well as her ultimate ancestor and mother, the Goddess."
Murphy-Hiscock, Arin (2008-07-01). Passages Pagan Pregnancy (Kindle Locations 306-307). F+W Media, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Today I want to write about pregnancy. Not in a complaining light, but rather from a spiritual perspective.
"Childbirth, like other women’s mysteries, allows a connection to be made between the laboring woman and all her female ancestors, as well as her ultimate ancestor and mother, the Goddess."
Murphy-Hiscock, Arin (2008-07-01). Passages Pagan Pregnancy (Kindle Locations 306-307). F+W Media, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Today I want to write about pregnancy. Not in a complaining light, but rather from a spiritual perspective.
"The Goddess is first of all the earth, the dark nurturing mother who brings forth all life. She is the power of fertility and generation; the womb, and also the receptive tomb, the power of death. All proceeds from her; all returns to her. As earth, she is also plant life; trees, the herbs and grains that sustain life. She is the body, and the body is sacred...whether we are eating, sleeping, making love, we are manifesting the Goddess." --Starhawk
Those who are familiar with the concept of the three-fold Goddess will recognize the significance of this particular transition from maiden to mother. Not only is it a physical transformation, but the internal transformation is one that carries a woman through the next phase of life. It could be said that labor itself is a birthing not only of another life-form, but also of a new woman.
I find myself reflecting more on my own childhood and on the changes I am experiencing as my baby grows. I've noticed my life choices become less about me particularly as they become more about us--my husband, my child, and our future as a family. As I take in the physical changes I am preparing myself for bringing my child into the world, both what that means literally and emotionally. I am excited to teach and to learn, and I feel blessed to be given this opportunity to affect another human being so profoundly.
Life as it grows inside you is nurturing and reassuring. It brings a calm that tells you in no uncertain terms that the circle of life goes on continuously. We as human beings are irrevocably connected to one another, with birth being just the beginning of the journey.
Blessings,
Denora
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Leading by Fear
I have a rather personal topic to cover today, not only because it's important to put this issue into words, but because it hit home in a most personal way.
This week I was a victim of leadership by fear.
I believe it's crucial for me to clarify exactly what I mean when I say this. Basically on the spectrum of leadership styles one can find any mixture of the two oldest factors--love and fear. Surely, from historical examples we can draw a correlation between those kings, politicians, and persons of power who have led using a mixture of both these tactics, or a system of one over the other. Even in my own leadership history I have had to find my own best balance, usually due to my own ethical and moral beliefs in the basic capacities of humanity and the necessity of accomplishing the mission. Fear is a useful tool when used correctly, but can lead to animosity, laziness, and desensitization if used ineffectively.
In my case, I was exposed to the type of leadership style which borders on abuse of power. This is driven by the need to instill fear in the member in order to correct some observed misconduct, but also when examined from all angles comes across as insulting rather than disciplinary because it lacks the basic level of respect that should be present between two members of an organization regardless of rank or position. Examples of this also include mysoginistic behaviors towards women, racial discrimination, or discrimination based on age, religion, disability, or other cause. Behaviors directly observed to be driven by one of these factors are better suited to be reported to outside agencies or higher management, however cases of abuse of power are often so obtuse they can often be heralded as no-nonsense leadership and lauded as getting to the point of business. Make no mistake though, abuse of power and position is still abuse and has the detrimental effect of degrading the productivity and effectiveness of its workers. In the end, this type of leadership has the absolute opposite effect than intended. Leadership itself is an art, but not one that operates independently from the basic needs of people so long as it is practiced between people. Just some thoughts.
Denora
This week I was a victim of leadership by fear.
I believe it's crucial for me to clarify exactly what I mean when I say this. Basically on the spectrum of leadership styles one can find any mixture of the two oldest factors--love and fear. Surely, from historical examples we can draw a correlation between those kings, politicians, and persons of power who have led using a mixture of both these tactics, or a system of one over the other. Even in my own leadership history I have had to find my own best balance, usually due to my own ethical and moral beliefs in the basic capacities of humanity and the necessity of accomplishing the mission. Fear is a useful tool when used correctly, but can lead to animosity, laziness, and desensitization if used ineffectively.
In my case, I was exposed to the type of leadership style which borders on abuse of power. This is driven by the need to instill fear in the member in order to correct some observed misconduct, but also when examined from all angles comes across as insulting rather than disciplinary because it lacks the basic level of respect that should be present between two members of an organization regardless of rank or position. Examples of this also include mysoginistic behaviors towards women, racial discrimination, or discrimination based on age, religion, disability, or other cause. Behaviors directly observed to be driven by one of these factors are better suited to be reported to outside agencies or higher management, however cases of abuse of power are often so obtuse they can often be heralded as no-nonsense leadership and lauded as getting to the point of business. Make no mistake though, abuse of power and position is still abuse and has the detrimental effect of degrading the productivity and effectiveness of its workers. In the end, this type of leadership has the absolute opposite effect than intended. Leadership itself is an art, but not one that operates independently from the basic needs of people so long as it is practiced between people. Just some thoughts.
Denora
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Frustrations You Never Thought About
After the huggy feeling of my last post I need to go ahead and lay my next one out. I posted briefly on FB recently about my frustrations with the military medical system, and particularly how it pertains to prenatal care and labor/delivery. Let me be clear on one thing up front: I've been an active duty member for seven years and I've never had any issues with the medical system or TRICARE. In fact, anytime I've needed care or medication (which has been rarely) I've always received in my mind adequate service. I realize not everyone can say this in all honesty so I count myself as fortunate.
However, for me prenatal care and labor/delivery is a whole 'nother ballgame. I've recently finished reading a book by my personal hero Ina May Gaskin (if you are a woman and highly interested in natural childbirth I recommend this book hands down: http://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1365350765&sr=8-1&keywords=ina+may%27s+guide+to+childbirth)
I'm the type of person who when faced with a new challenge (i.e. pregnancy) I research the crap out of all of my options in order to make what I feel are educated decisions. Being somewhat of a hippie, this started with the idea of natural childbirth and led me eventually down the rabbit hole to my beef with TRICARE and the military medical system. I'm going to describe this in some detail, and I understand not everyone may agree with my viewpoint. Certainly there are countless women out there who have given birth either in military hospitals or civilian run hospitals overseen by military OBGYNs and their experiences were marvelous. This rant is not about my perceptions of any shortcomings of the system in place--in fact if I chose to give birth in a hospital under modern conceptions of labor and delivery I'm sure I would be well taken care of. This rant is more about choice. I am, in effect, furious about my LACK of choice within the current military medical system. (And yes, I am aware of the consequences of signing on the dotted line, and I am thankful to have medical care in the first place, and this post is not about either of those points either)
I am disappointed that in a country such as the United States, with the technological and medical advances we have on hand (curing cancer...etc) we are still touting that women who are pregnant are objects to be scrutinized instead of celebrated. When I am seen by an OBGYN I am in essence my vital signs--blood pressure, height, weight, whether or not my blood has any indicators for down syndrome, cerebral palsy, or any other abnormalities. I'm not asked how I feel, how my pregnancy is progressing, am I having any difficulties with the emotional aspects of these changes. I am asked if I'm having any pain, and then I am arbitrarily prescribed antibiotics for a "condition" that is both natural and has no lasting effect on my labor or baby, but not informed that the consumption of oral antibiotics during pregnancy has been directly linked to damaging effects on the developing immune system of babies in several studies across several countries. My choices of where to give birth are ONE place, within ONE system, yet I am forced to be juggled between FOUR OBGYNs who just see me as statistics on a chart.
I am a person. I have a name. My baby has a name and is also a person. I want a choice on how they are brought into this world, without interference or being told by some "expert" how it should be done, where it should be done, and what drugs I need on what schedule to make them come out on time. I believe women are perfectly made to birth children with as little interference as possible (unless some medical intervention is necessary to save lives). And I don't want to be scared and rushed during this incredibly wondrous and challenging time in my life. This is how I feel, and completely my opinion. But there is something to be said when a large system imposes itself in something so personal as childbirth. This isn't limited to the military either. This is a larger problem that's prevalent in insurance coverage and the hospital system all across our country. This problem won't go away until women stand up and take charge of their pregnancies and their bodies by educating themselves. We are not victims. Pregnancy is not some "condition" or broken limb to be fixed. It is a natural process that women have been completing without medical intervention for millennia. This is my soapbox and my passion. I don't expect TRICARE or the military medical system to change for me, but I am disappointed that this is the frustration I never thought I would have to face.
Denora
However, for me prenatal care and labor/delivery is a whole 'nother ballgame. I've recently finished reading a book by my personal hero Ina May Gaskin (if you are a woman and highly interested in natural childbirth I recommend this book hands down: http://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1365350765&sr=8-1&keywords=ina+may%27s+guide+to+childbirth)
I'm the type of person who when faced with a new challenge (i.e. pregnancy) I research the crap out of all of my options in order to make what I feel are educated decisions. Being somewhat of a hippie, this started with the idea of natural childbirth and led me eventually down the rabbit hole to my beef with TRICARE and the military medical system. I'm going to describe this in some detail, and I understand not everyone may agree with my viewpoint. Certainly there are countless women out there who have given birth either in military hospitals or civilian run hospitals overseen by military OBGYNs and their experiences were marvelous. This rant is not about my perceptions of any shortcomings of the system in place--in fact if I chose to give birth in a hospital under modern conceptions of labor and delivery I'm sure I would be well taken care of. This rant is more about choice. I am, in effect, furious about my LACK of choice within the current military medical system. (And yes, I am aware of the consequences of signing on the dotted line, and I am thankful to have medical care in the first place, and this post is not about either of those points either)
I am disappointed that in a country such as the United States, with the technological and medical advances we have on hand (curing cancer...etc) we are still touting that women who are pregnant are objects to be scrutinized instead of celebrated. When I am seen by an OBGYN I am in essence my vital signs--blood pressure, height, weight, whether or not my blood has any indicators for down syndrome, cerebral palsy, or any other abnormalities. I'm not asked how I feel, how my pregnancy is progressing, am I having any difficulties with the emotional aspects of these changes. I am asked if I'm having any pain, and then I am arbitrarily prescribed antibiotics for a "condition" that is both natural and has no lasting effect on my labor or baby, but not informed that the consumption of oral antibiotics during pregnancy has been directly linked to damaging effects on the developing immune system of babies in several studies across several countries. My choices of where to give birth are ONE place, within ONE system, yet I am forced to be juggled between FOUR OBGYNs who just see me as statistics on a chart.
I am a person. I have a name. My baby has a name and is also a person. I want a choice on how they are brought into this world, without interference or being told by some "expert" how it should be done, where it should be done, and what drugs I need on what schedule to make them come out on time. I believe women are perfectly made to birth children with as little interference as possible (unless some medical intervention is necessary to save lives). And I don't want to be scared and rushed during this incredibly wondrous and challenging time in my life. This is how I feel, and completely my opinion. But there is something to be said when a large system imposes itself in something so personal as childbirth. This isn't limited to the military either. This is a larger problem that's prevalent in insurance coverage and the hospital system all across our country. This problem won't go away until women stand up and take charge of their pregnancies and their bodies by educating themselves. We are not victims. Pregnancy is not some "condition" or broken limb to be fixed. It is a natural process that women have been completing without medical intervention for millennia. This is my soapbox and my passion. I don't expect TRICARE or the military medical system to change for me, but I am disappointed that this is the frustration I never thought I would have to face.
Denora
When the Path Isn't Always Visible...
I know I haven't posted in awhile, and I have several topics in mind I want to cover but for this post I will focus on the changes going on in our lives due to our impending bundle of joy, moving, jobs, school, etc...
I am currently about 4 1/2 months pregnant. In the time since we found out we were pregnant, hubby and I purchased a new home, moved into our new home, I finished my last quarter for school (for awhile at least) I survived food poisoning, and life in general has settled down for a bit. It has been a busy beginning to 2013 to say the least.
Pregnancy has been a fascinating experience for me thus far. To elaborate--besides the sheer awesome potential of growing another human being inside of you the world takes on a completely different perspective. I've run the gambit of emotions these last few months, from being terrified to elated and everything in between. The general consensus though is I'm excited to be pregnant and to have a chance to start a family. I'm also pleasantly surprised at how much being pregnant changes your perspective about your body. I was frustrated at first by the prospect of putting on a ton of weight and not being able to do anything about it. I groaned about not having the energy to work out, and not having the right appetite to eat the foods I know are healthy. (I should have bought stock in chicken fingers and pizza) The truth is, none of that matters in the long run. As long as I'm not eating my weight in french fries everyday (Yay for Five Guys!) and I'm taking other steps to ensure I'm progressing in a healthy pregnancy, it has been the most liberating thing in the world to finally say "yes" to eating cookies and anything I've staunchly avoided in the past because I was watching my weight. Yes, I'm telling you it has been a relief to eat french fries without guilt.
That's really just one aspect of this journey that has been enlightening for me. I love watching the changes and experiencing what my body is going through. I almost melted the first time I saw my baby on the ultrasound screen. So many changes...and so many more are imminent. I'll be separating from the Air Force in a few months, a decision which will bring so many new challenges in figuring out who I am and what my purpose in life will be. Except I know my new purpose will be undeniably connected to the life now growing inside me. And I'm super excited, super scared, etc. I read a quote this morning that sums it up pretty well:
"As someone once told me, 'It all falls back to love.' He's absolutely right. It all falls back to love. Love for yourself. Love for your body. Love for those around you." --Aimee DuFresne
I am in love with life right now, and I wish the same for all of you.
Blessings,
Denora
I am currently about 4 1/2 months pregnant. In the time since we found out we were pregnant, hubby and I purchased a new home, moved into our new home, I finished my last quarter for school (for awhile at least) I survived food poisoning, and life in general has settled down for a bit. It has been a busy beginning to 2013 to say the least.
Pregnancy has been a fascinating experience for me thus far. To elaborate--besides the sheer awesome potential of growing another human being inside of you the world takes on a completely different perspective. I've run the gambit of emotions these last few months, from being terrified to elated and everything in between. The general consensus though is I'm excited to be pregnant and to have a chance to start a family. I'm also pleasantly surprised at how much being pregnant changes your perspective about your body. I was frustrated at first by the prospect of putting on a ton of weight and not being able to do anything about it. I groaned about not having the energy to work out, and not having the right appetite to eat the foods I know are healthy. (I should have bought stock in chicken fingers and pizza) The truth is, none of that matters in the long run. As long as I'm not eating my weight in french fries everyday (Yay for Five Guys!) and I'm taking other steps to ensure I'm progressing in a healthy pregnancy, it has been the most liberating thing in the world to finally say "yes" to eating cookies and anything I've staunchly avoided in the past because I was watching my weight. Yes, I'm telling you it has been a relief to eat french fries without guilt.
That's really just one aspect of this journey that has been enlightening for me. I love watching the changes and experiencing what my body is going through. I almost melted the first time I saw my baby on the ultrasound screen. So many changes...and so many more are imminent. I'll be separating from the Air Force in a few months, a decision which will bring so many new challenges in figuring out who I am and what my purpose in life will be. Except I know my new purpose will be undeniably connected to the life now growing inside me. And I'm super excited, super scared, etc. I read a quote this morning that sums it up pretty well:
"As someone once told me, 'It all falls back to love.' He's absolutely right. It all falls back to love. Love for yourself. Love for your body. Love for those around you." --Aimee DuFresne
I am in love with life right now, and I wish the same for all of you.
Blessings,
Denora
Friday, February 15, 2013
Religious Accomodation or Societal Nihilism?
I read an article today that just crawled right under my skin--and I usually have no problems reading opinion pieces and acknowledging them for their viewpoint. But for me, when a system is working and seems to be doing it right it just burns my biscuits to see media bashing when there's no call for it. Here's a link to the article:
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/02/14/university-missouri-guide-asks-professors-to-accommodate-wiccan-pagan-holidays/?test=latestnews#ixzz2KzEguAVS
First let me explain why this is so frustrating for me. Toward the bottom of the article you'll notice these words:
"University officials said no complaints had been received in connection to the guide, which many have found "useful and informational," according to a statement to FoxNews.com. "The information about the Wiccan and Pagan holidays has been in the guide since last fall," the statement read. "Please keep in mind that this is not intended just for faculty. This is an informational guide for anyone across campus (and beyond)."
Of Mizzou’s 34,748 students enrolled in fall 2012, more than 14 percent were listed as minorities and 6.1 percent were international students, with China, Korea and India accounting for the most pupils from overseas."
AND THEN you see this:
"Tammy Edwards, radio host of the nationally syndicated “Tammy Bruce Show” and Fox News contributor, said she found the guide to be indicative of an unbecoming societal shift. “It almost seems as though we’re looking for excuses for people to not have to take their commitments seriously,” Edwards told FoxNews.com. “It’s beyond political correctness; it’s almost like an excuse to do nothing. It’s like societal nihilism, where nothing matters.”
Nihilism? Really?! For those who need clarification on nihilism:
For me, an educational institution going the extra mile to be inclusive for both students and faculty is WAY off target from "societal nihilism." We aren't talking about stopping business entirely and closing the walls of the institution. We aren't advocating whole weeks being dedicated to pot smoking and kumbaya singing. We aren't even talking about institutionalized recognition of these holidays. What the whole article was trying to say is "Hey, we know there are more holidays out there than Christmas and Hanukkah, and maybe we should be more open to working around those and educating people on the fact that these holidays exist and matter to people."
Kudos to University of Missouri for actually being proactive and working to foster a better work environment. I'm not frustrated that this article clearly was working an edge toward Paganism in particular, but I am frustrated at the effort to belittle efforts working in the RIGHT direction--that of openness to communicate, educate, and work together. Celebrating differences has nothing to do with societal nihilism, in fact the opposite of it (i.e. only recognizing one or possibly two belief systems and institutionalizing functions around those beliefs) constitutes a form of "moral nihilism."
Thoughts?
--Denora
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/02/14/university-missouri-guide-asks-professors-to-accommodate-wiccan-pagan-holidays/?test=latestnews#ixzz2KzEguAVS
First let me explain why this is so frustrating for me. Toward the bottom of the article you'll notice these words:
"University officials said no complaints had been received in connection to the guide, which many have found "useful and informational," according to a statement to FoxNews.com. "The information about the Wiccan and Pagan holidays has been in the guide since last fall," the statement read. "Please keep in mind that this is not intended just for faculty. This is an informational guide for anyone across campus (and beyond)."
Of Mizzou’s 34,748 students enrolled in fall 2012, more than 14 percent were listed as minorities and 6.1 percent were international students, with China, Korea and India accounting for the most pupils from overseas."
AND THEN you see this:
"Tammy Edwards, radio host of the nationally syndicated “Tammy Bruce Show” and Fox News contributor, said she found the guide to be indicative of an unbecoming societal shift. “It almost seems as though we’re looking for excuses for people to not have to take their commitments seriously,” Edwards told FoxNews.com. “It’s beyond political correctness; it’s almost like an excuse to do nothing. It’s like societal nihilism, where nothing matters.”
Nihilism? Really?! For those who need clarification on nihilism:
For me, an educational institution going the extra mile to be inclusive for both students and faculty is WAY off target from "societal nihilism." We aren't talking about stopping business entirely and closing the walls of the institution. We aren't advocating whole weeks being dedicated to pot smoking and kumbaya singing. We aren't even talking about institutionalized recognition of these holidays. What the whole article was trying to say is "Hey, we know there are more holidays out there than Christmas and Hanukkah, and maybe we should be more open to working around those and educating people on the fact that these holidays exist and matter to people."
Kudos to University of Missouri for actually being proactive and working to foster a better work environment. I'm not frustrated that this article clearly was working an edge toward Paganism in particular, but I am frustrated at the effort to belittle efforts working in the RIGHT direction--that of openness to communicate, educate, and work together. Celebrating differences has nothing to do with societal nihilism, in fact the opposite of it (i.e. only recognizing one or possibly two belief systems and institutionalizing functions around those beliefs) constitutes a form of "moral nihilism."
Thoughts?
--Denora
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Life is Funny Sometimes...
It's been an incredibly long and eventful winter.
The one lesson I can say that has stood out more than any other for me this new year is life is funny--meaning life doesn't really ask or care if the direction you're going in is where you originally planned to go. Case in point: I had decided at the end of 2012 that in order for me to successfully finish seminary without it taking five years I wanted to transition off active duty and into the Air Force Reserve. This would allow me to do school full time and ideally complete faster so I could eventually apply to be a reserve chaplain and go that route into chaplaincy. I had no idea if that would work, but at the time it seemed the best route.
This led hubby and I to discuss about possibly buying a house, especially if we were going to stay in the area and I was going to get a reserve job at one of the local bases. We didn't have the money right away--but a stroke of luck and a wonderful family ensured we had the money to put down on a great house. Looks like we had a plan!
Fast forward two weeks...we then find out I'm pregnant.
Can we say GAME CHANGER?
So now I'm looking at what to do. Do I get out and pay for health insurance? Do I stay active duty in a job I'm less-than-enthusiastic about in order to have free healthcare? Do I postpone school for a year to give birth? These are key questions. Important life changing questions. One thing is for sure, I know my life has been irrevocably changed by this happening. I am ridiculously happy and scared shitless all at the same time, and I know this starts a whole new chapter in my family's life. Welcome to our new path ^_^
Blessings,
Denora
The one lesson I can say that has stood out more than any other for me this new year is life is funny--meaning life doesn't really ask or care if the direction you're going in is where you originally planned to go. Case in point: I had decided at the end of 2012 that in order for me to successfully finish seminary without it taking five years I wanted to transition off active duty and into the Air Force Reserve. This would allow me to do school full time and ideally complete faster so I could eventually apply to be a reserve chaplain and go that route into chaplaincy. I had no idea if that would work, but at the time it seemed the best route.
This led hubby and I to discuss about possibly buying a house, especially if we were going to stay in the area and I was going to get a reserve job at one of the local bases. We didn't have the money right away--but a stroke of luck and a wonderful family ensured we had the money to put down on a great house. Looks like we had a plan!
Fast forward two weeks...we then find out I'm pregnant.
Can we say GAME CHANGER?
So now I'm looking at what to do. Do I get out and pay for health insurance? Do I stay active duty in a job I'm less-than-enthusiastic about in order to have free healthcare? Do I postpone school for a year to give birth? These are key questions. Important life changing questions. One thing is for sure, I know my life has been irrevocably changed by this happening. I am ridiculously happy and scared shitless all at the same time, and I know this starts a whole new chapter in my family's life. Welcome to our new path ^_^
Blessings,
Denora
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