Today I out-processed from both my unit and active duty.
A momentous decision, and one that comes with extreme excitement for the future with just a tinge of trepidation. I can only compare the feeling to slowly walking to the edge of a cliff, looking down, and then closing your eyes and jumping with full abandon into the unknown.
Not completely unknown...I start classes again in January and I managed to find what promises to be an interesting job with the Pennsylvania Air National Guard. These things help ground me and remind me of the connections I have built and continue to cultivate. In the end I am eager for the next chapter in my life with my new family and new horizons. Let the adventure begin!
Bright Blessings,
Denora
Monday, July 29, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Through the Forest...
Time has a way of changing perspectives, and life has a way of changing depending on which perspective you are using. If you had told me a year ago that I would be purchasing a home, having a baby, and separating from the Air Force I probably would have laughed at the thought--but perspectives change.
My separation package has gone all the way through AFPC. I have orders in hand. And I am completely at a loss as to what my life will entail come 1 August 2013. My first reaction was fear--fear of not having income, fear of not having the Air Force to fall back on for so many things; the foremost being a sense of purpose and of identity. When you serve your country even for a short amount of time there is a shift that occurs in your mentality. You have become a brother or sister in arms and so much of who you are becomes engrained with the uniform. I can appreciate the identity crisis that occurs in folks who have done 20 years or more. Half of your life has been lived serving and now you are free. What do you do after that? Where do you go? I haven't served for 20 years, but I have served long enough that my professional identity is that of an Air Force officer...I don't know anything else.
You have to look in the mirror and begin to focus on who you are outside of the military. I am a seminary student. I am a soon-to-be mother. I am a wife. A daughter. A friend. I have a home and I have two hands and will develop a new identity as time goes by. I will always cherish the time I served. I am thankful to have had the opportunity and for all the amazing people and places I've been. But there is a new chapter in my life that is beginning. I'm excited for the possibilities to come. I want to start my own business. I need to finish my degree so I can begin helping others in a new way. We think the path is always so clear in the moment...what happens when you hit the forest?
Blessings,
Denora
My separation package has gone all the way through AFPC. I have orders in hand. And I am completely at a loss as to what my life will entail come 1 August 2013. My first reaction was fear--fear of not having income, fear of not having the Air Force to fall back on for so many things; the foremost being a sense of purpose and of identity. When you serve your country even for a short amount of time there is a shift that occurs in your mentality. You have become a brother or sister in arms and so much of who you are becomes engrained with the uniform. I can appreciate the identity crisis that occurs in folks who have done 20 years or more. Half of your life has been lived serving and now you are free. What do you do after that? Where do you go? I haven't served for 20 years, but I have served long enough that my professional identity is that of an Air Force officer...I don't know anything else.
You have to look in the mirror and begin to focus on who you are outside of the military. I am a seminary student. I am a soon-to-be mother. I am a wife. A daughter. A friend. I have a home and I have two hands and will develop a new identity as time goes by. I will always cherish the time I served. I am thankful to have had the opportunity and for all the amazing people and places I've been. But there is a new chapter in my life that is beginning. I'm excited for the possibilities to come. I want to start my own business. I need to finish my degree so I can begin helping others in a new way. We think the path is always so clear in the moment...what happens when you hit the forest?
Blessings,
Denora
Saturday, June 1, 2013
The Strength of a Child
This past weekend I once again had the amazing opportunity to support a program that I feel is truly making a difference for young people. I've been doing this for five years and every year reaffirms so many things for me--children are so amazing in their capacity to internalize and cope with huge life-changing events like losing a parent or loved one in war or other circumstances.
The program is called TAPS: Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors and information on them can be found here: http://www.taps.org/
Besides the National Good Grief Camp which is held annually in Washington D.C., TAPS also has a myriad of regional camps and activities for families of fallen service members throughout the year. The message we are determined to send is even though your loved one is gone, the military family has not forgotten you--you are important and still very loved.
The program is called TAPS: Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors and information on them can be found here: http://www.taps.org/
Besides the National Good Grief Camp which is held annually in Washington D.C., TAPS also has a myriad of regional camps and activities for families of fallen service members throughout the year. The message we are determined to send is even though your loved one is gone, the military family has not forgotten you--you are important and still very loved.
The reason I keep coming back every year has nothing to do with political beliefs or any reasons other than the true human connection that can exist between hundreds of family members and service members. For four days we coexist in a beautiful partnership to celebrate and remember those who have passed, and as mentors we are privileged to witness the growth of children into young adults. Our only wish is to help these young men and women realize their potential and recognize the beauty of human strength. These children are amazing and they evoke the strongest emotions even in the most stalwart of us who are called to serve.
My heart goes out to all of these families and I hope to still be able to serve for years to come in this capacity. I think this program answers a crucial need in a society who has faced over a decade of active combat--how do we best take care of people when we continuously expose them to the horrors and violence of combat? How do we make sure our children recognize the necessity of their existence, to be the next generation of Americans who will make the hard decisions in this country? The answers I think surprise everyone in their breadth and complexity. I listened to a fourteen year old tell a story about social pressure and suicide, but reaffirm that death is only a temporary release of the pain and would no doubt cause more unnecessary suffering for their family. These are issues we hope no child ever has to face, and yet there are hundreds who have and many more who haven't found help yet. I feel truly blessed to be able to reach out and touch another human being in that capacity, and thankful we have such loving support for each other.
Blessings,
Denora
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
On the Path: Spiritual Pregnancy
"Pregnancy magnifies women; they become more than simply human. They become living avatars of the Goddess."
"Childbirth, like other women’s mysteries, allows a connection to be made between the laboring woman and all her female ancestors, as well as her ultimate ancestor and mother, the Goddess."
Murphy-Hiscock, Arin (2008-07-01). Passages Pagan Pregnancy (Kindle Locations 306-307). F+W Media, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Today I want to write about pregnancy. Not in a complaining light, but rather from a spiritual perspective.
"Childbirth, like other women’s mysteries, allows a connection to be made between the laboring woman and all her female ancestors, as well as her ultimate ancestor and mother, the Goddess."
Murphy-Hiscock, Arin (2008-07-01). Passages Pagan Pregnancy (Kindle Locations 306-307). F+W Media, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Today I want to write about pregnancy. Not in a complaining light, but rather from a spiritual perspective.
"The Goddess is first of all the earth, the dark nurturing mother who brings forth all life. She is the power of fertility and generation; the womb, and also the receptive tomb, the power of death. All proceeds from her; all returns to her. As earth, she is also plant life; trees, the herbs and grains that sustain life. She is the body, and the body is sacred...whether we are eating, sleeping, making love, we are manifesting the Goddess." --Starhawk
Those who are familiar with the concept of the three-fold Goddess will recognize the significance of this particular transition from maiden to mother. Not only is it a physical transformation, but the internal transformation is one that carries a woman through the next phase of life. It could be said that labor itself is a birthing not only of another life-form, but also of a new woman.
I find myself reflecting more on my own childhood and on the changes I am experiencing as my baby grows. I've noticed my life choices become less about me particularly as they become more about us--my husband, my child, and our future as a family. As I take in the physical changes I am preparing myself for bringing my child into the world, both what that means literally and emotionally. I am excited to teach and to learn, and I feel blessed to be given this opportunity to affect another human being so profoundly.
Life as it grows inside you is nurturing and reassuring. It brings a calm that tells you in no uncertain terms that the circle of life goes on continuously. We as human beings are irrevocably connected to one another, with birth being just the beginning of the journey.
Blessings,
Denora
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Leading by Fear
I have a rather personal topic to cover today, not only because it's important to put this issue into words, but because it hit home in a most personal way.
This week I was a victim of leadership by fear.
I believe it's crucial for me to clarify exactly what I mean when I say this. Basically on the spectrum of leadership styles one can find any mixture of the two oldest factors--love and fear. Surely, from historical examples we can draw a correlation between those kings, politicians, and persons of power who have led using a mixture of both these tactics, or a system of one over the other. Even in my own leadership history I have had to find my own best balance, usually due to my own ethical and moral beliefs in the basic capacities of humanity and the necessity of accomplishing the mission. Fear is a useful tool when used correctly, but can lead to animosity, laziness, and desensitization if used ineffectively.
In my case, I was exposed to the type of leadership style which borders on abuse of power. This is driven by the need to instill fear in the member in order to correct some observed misconduct, but also when examined from all angles comes across as insulting rather than disciplinary because it lacks the basic level of respect that should be present between two members of an organization regardless of rank or position. Examples of this also include mysoginistic behaviors towards women, racial discrimination, or discrimination based on age, religion, disability, or other cause. Behaviors directly observed to be driven by one of these factors are better suited to be reported to outside agencies or higher management, however cases of abuse of power are often so obtuse they can often be heralded as no-nonsense leadership and lauded as getting to the point of business. Make no mistake though, abuse of power and position is still abuse and has the detrimental effect of degrading the productivity and effectiveness of its workers. In the end, this type of leadership has the absolute opposite effect than intended. Leadership itself is an art, but not one that operates independently from the basic needs of people so long as it is practiced between people. Just some thoughts.
Denora
This week I was a victim of leadership by fear.
I believe it's crucial for me to clarify exactly what I mean when I say this. Basically on the spectrum of leadership styles one can find any mixture of the two oldest factors--love and fear. Surely, from historical examples we can draw a correlation between those kings, politicians, and persons of power who have led using a mixture of both these tactics, or a system of one over the other. Even in my own leadership history I have had to find my own best balance, usually due to my own ethical and moral beliefs in the basic capacities of humanity and the necessity of accomplishing the mission. Fear is a useful tool when used correctly, but can lead to animosity, laziness, and desensitization if used ineffectively.
In my case, I was exposed to the type of leadership style which borders on abuse of power. This is driven by the need to instill fear in the member in order to correct some observed misconduct, but also when examined from all angles comes across as insulting rather than disciplinary because it lacks the basic level of respect that should be present between two members of an organization regardless of rank or position. Examples of this also include mysoginistic behaviors towards women, racial discrimination, or discrimination based on age, religion, disability, or other cause. Behaviors directly observed to be driven by one of these factors are better suited to be reported to outside agencies or higher management, however cases of abuse of power are often so obtuse they can often be heralded as no-nonsense leadership and lauded as getting to the point of business. Make no mistake though, abuse of power and position is still abuse and has the detrimental effect of degrading the productivity and effectiveness of its workers. In the end, this type of leadership has the absolute opposite effect than intended. Leadership itself is an art, but not one that operates independently from the basic needs of people so long as it is practiced between people. Just some thoughts.
Denora
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Frustrations You Never Thought About
After the huggy feeling of my last post I need to go ahead and lay my next one out. I posted briefly on FB recently about my frustrations with the military medical system, and particularly how it pertains to prenatal care and labor/delivery. Let me be clear on one thing up front: I've been an active duty member for seven years and I've never had any issues with the medical system or TRICARE. In fact, anytime I've needed care or medication (which has been rarely) I've always received in my mind adequate service. I realize not everyone can say this in all honesty so I count myself as fortunate.
However, for me prenatal care and labor/delivery is a whole 'nother ballgame. I've recently finished reading a book by my personal hero Ina May Gaskin (if you are a woman and highly interested in natural childbirth I recommend this book hands down: http://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1365350765&sr=8-1&keywords=ina+may%27s+guide+to+childbirth)
I'm the type of person who when faced with a new challenge (i.e. pregnancy) I research the crap out of all of my options in order to make what I feel are educated decisions. Being somewhat of a hippie, this started with the idea of natural childbirth and led me eventually down the rabbit hole to my beef with TRICARE and the military medical system. I'm going to describe this in some detail, and I understand not everyone may agree with my viewpoint. Certainly there are countless women out there who have given birth either in military hospitals or civilian run hospitals overseen by military OBGYNs and their experiences were marvelous. This rant is not about my perceptions of any shortcomings of the system in place--in fact if I chose to give birth in a hospital under modern conceptions of labor and delivery I'm sure I would be well taken care of. This rant is more about choice. I am, in effect, furious about my LACK of choice within the current military medical system. (And yes, I am aware of the consequences of signing on the dotted line, and I am thankful to have medical care in the first place, and this post is not about either of those points either)
I am disappointed that in a country such as the United States, with the technological and medical advances we have on hand (curing cancer...etc) we are still touting that women who are pregnant are objects to be scrutinized instead of celebrated. When I am seen by an OBGYN I am in essence my vital signs--blood pressure, height, weight, whether or not my blood has any indicators for down syndrome, cerebral palsy, or any other abnormalities. I'm not asked how I feel, how my pregnancy is progressing, am I having any difficulties with the emotional aspects of these changes. I am asked if I'm having any pain, and then I am arbitrarily prescribed antibiotics for a "condition" that is both natural and has no lasting effect on my labor or baby, but not informed that the consumption of oral antibiotics during pregnancy has been directly linked to damaging effects on the developing immune system of babies in several studies across several countries. My choices of where to give birth are ONE place, within ONE system, yet I am forced to be juggled between FOUR OBGYNs who just see me as statistics on a chart.
I am a person. I have a name. My baby has a name and is also a person. I want a choice on how they are brought into this world, without interference or being told by some "expert" how it should be done, where it should be done, and what drugs I need on what schedule to make them come out on time. I believe women are perfectly made to birth children with as little interference as possible (unless some medical intervention is necessary to save lives). And I don't want to be scared and rushed during this incredibly wondrous and challenging time in my life. This is how I feel, and completely my opinion. But there is something to be said when a large system imposes itself in something so personal as childbirth. This isn't limited to the military either. This is a larger problem that's prevalent in insurance coverage and the hospital system all across our country. This problem won't go away until women stand up and take charge of their pregnancies and their bodies by educating themselves. We are not victims. Pregnancy is not some "condition" or broken limb to be fixed. It is a natural process that women have been completing without medical intervention for millennia. This is my soapbox and my passion. I don't expect TRICARE or the military medical system to change for me, but I am disappointed that this is the frustration I never thought I would have to face.
Denora
However, for me prenatal care and labor/delivery is a whole 'nother ballgame. I've recently finished reading a book by my personal hero Ina May Gaskin (if you are a woman and highly interested in natural childbirth I recommend this book hands down: http://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1365350765&sr=8-1&keywords=ina+may%27s+guide+to+childbirth)
I'm the type of person who when faced with a new challenge (i.e. pregnancy) I research the crap out of all of my options in order to make what I feel are educated decisions. Being somewhat of a hippie, this started with the idea of natural childbirth and led me eventually down the rabbit hole to my beef with TRICARE and the military medical system. I'm going to describe this in some detail, and I understand not everyone may agree with my viewpoint. Certainly there are countless women out there who have given birth either in military hospitals or civilian run hospitals overseen by military OBGYNs and their experiences were marvelous. This rant is not about my perceptions of any shortcomings of the system in place--in fact if I chose to give birth in a hospital under modern conceptions of labor and delivery I'm sure I would be well taken care of. This rant is more about choice. I am, in effect, furious about my LACK of choice within the current military medical system. (And yes, I am aware of the consequences of signing on the dotted line, and I am thankful to have medical care in the first place, and this post is not about either of those points either)
I am disappointed that in a country such as the United States, with the technological and medical advances we have on hand (curing cancer...etc) we are still touting that women who are pregnant are objects to be scrutinized instead of celebrated. When I am seen by an OBGYN I am in essence my vital signs--blood pressure, height, weight, whether or not my blood has any indicators for down syndrome, cerebral palsy, or any other abnormalities. I'm not asked how I feel, how my pregnancy is progressing, am I having any difficulties with the emotional aspects of these changes. I am asked if I'm having any pain, and then I am arbitrarily prescribed antibiotics for a "condition" that is both natural and has no lasting effect on my labor or baby, but not informed that the consumption of oral antibiotics during pregnancy has been directly linked to damaging effects on the developing immune system of babies in several studies across several countries. My choices of where to give birth are ONE place, within ONE system, yet I am forced to be juggled between FOUR OBGYNs who just see me as statistics on a chart.
I am a person. I have a name. My baby has a name and is also a person. I want a choice on how they are brought into this world, without interference or being told by some "expert" how it should be done, where it should be done, and what drugs I need on what schedule to make them come out on time. I believe women are perfectly made to birth children with as little interference as possible (unless some medical intervention is necessary to save lives). And I don't want to be scared and rushed during this incredibly wondrous and challenging time in my life. This is how I feel, and completely my opinion. But there is something to be said when a large system imposes itself in something so personal as childbirth. This isn't limited to the military either. This is a larger problem that's prevalent in insurance coverage and the hospital system all across our country. This problem won't go away until women stand up and take charge of their pregnancies and their bodies by educating themselves. We are not victims. Pregnancy is not some "condition" or broken limb to be fixed. It is a natural process that women have been completing without medical intervention for millennia. This is my soapbox and my passion. I don't expect TRICARE or the military medical system to change for me, but I am disappointed that this is the frustration I never thought I would have to face.
Denora
When the Path Isn't Always Visible...
I know I haven't posted in awhile, and I have several topics in mind I want to cover but for this post I will focus on the changes going on in our lives due to our impending bundle of joy, moving, jobs, school, etc...
I am currently about 4 1/2 months pregnant. In the time since we found out we were pregnant, hubby and I purchased a new home, moved into our new home, I finished my last quarter for school (for awhile at least) I survived food poisoning, and life in general has settled down for a bit. It has been a busy beginning to 2013 to say the least.
Pregnancy has been a fascinating experience for me thus far. To elaborate--besides the sheer awesome potential of growing another human being inside of you the world takes on a completely different perspective. I've run the gambit of emotions these last few months, from being terrified to elated and everything in between. The general consensus though is I'm excited to be pregnant and to have a chance to start a family. I'm also pleasantly surprised at how much being pregnant changes your perspective about your body. I was frustrated at first by the prospect of putting on a ton of weight and not being able to do anything about it. I groaned about not having the energy to work out, and not having the right appetite to eat the foods I know are healthy. (I should have bought stock in chicken fingers and pizza) The truth is, none of that matters in the long run. As long as I'm not eating my weight in french fries everyday (Yay for Five Guys!) and I'm taking other steps to ensure I'm progressing in a healthy pregnancy, it has been the most liberating thing in the world to finally say "yes" to eating cookies and anything I've staunchly avoided in the past because I was watching my weight. Yes, I'm telling you it has been a relief to eat french fries without guilt.
That's really just one aspect of this journey that has been enlightening for me. I love watching the changes and experiencing what my body is going through. I almost melted the first time I saw my baby on the ultrasound screen. So many changes...and so many more are imminent. I'll be separating from the Air Force in a few months, a decision which will bring so many new challenges in figuring out who I am and what my purpose in life will be. Except I know my new purpose will be undeniably connected to the life now growing inside me. And I'm super excited, super scared, etc. I read a quote this morning that sums it up pretty well:
"As someone once told me, 'It all falls back to love.' He's absolutely right. It all falls back to love. Love for yourself. Love for your body. Love for those around you." --Aimee DuFresne
I am in love with life right now, and I wish the same for all of you.
Blessings,
Denora
I am currently about 4 1/2 months pregnant. In the time since we found out we were pregnant, hubby and I purchased a new home, moved into our new home, I finished my last quarter for school (for awhile at least) I survived food poisoning, and life in general has settled down for a bit. It has been a busy beginning to 2013 to say the least.
Pregnancy has been a fascinating experience for me thus far. To elaborate--besides the sheer awesome potential of growing another human being inside of you the world takes on a completely different perspective. I've run the gambit of emotions these last few months, from being terrified to elated and everything in between. The general consensus though is I'm excited to be pregnant and to have a chance to start a family. I'm also pleasantly surprised at how much being pregnant changes your perspective about your body. I was frustrated at first by the prospect of putting on a ton of weight and not being able to do anything about it. I groaned about not having the energy to work out, and not having the right appetite to eat the foods I know are healthy. (I should have bought stock in chicken fingers and pizza) The truth is, none of that matters in the long run. As long as I'm not eating my weight in french fries everyday (Yay for Five Guys!) and I'm taking other steps to ensure I'm progressing in a healthy pregnancy, it has been the most liberating thing in the world to finally say "yes" to eating cookies and anything I've staunchly avoided in the past because I was watching my weight. Yes, I'm telling you it has been a relief to eat french fries without guilt.
That's really just one aspect of this journey that has been enlightening for me. I love watching the changes and experiencing what my body is going through. I almost melted the first time I saw my baby on the ultrasound screen. So many changes...and so many more are imminent. I'll be separating from the Air Force in a few months, a decision which will bring so many new challenges in figuring out who I am and what my purpose in life will be. Except I know my new purpose will be undeniably connected to the life now growing inside me. And I'm super excited, super scared, etc. I read a quote this morning that sums it up pretty well:
"As someone once told me, 'It all falls back to love.' He's absolutely right. It all falls back to love. Love for yourself. Love for your body. Love for those around you." --Aimee DuFresne
I am in love with life right now, and I wish the same for all of you.
Blessings,
Denora
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