Saturday, March 29, 2014

My Breastfeeding Journey

Few topics incite so many opinions or stones to throw as breastfeeding. There are adamant opinions on both sides of the fence (both for and against) and it seems now a days very much like the topic of how many children you should produce, people feel it is within their realm of expertise to comment on how you should be feeding your baby.

I'm going to write about MY journey. Not because I feel I am any type of expert, but because I believe it is important to acknowledge that each mother/baby pair is different. And while many many years ago the convenience of formula was not available or illness would make the situation much worse, we thankfully live in a day and age where a woman can choose for her and her offspring the method by which she will feed and nourish her child. Whether she is a stay at home mom or returning to work after six weeks, it's time we all left our collective egos at the door and acknowledge that no decision is ever taken lightly when it comes to the mother/baby bond.

I was hell bent and determined to do two things on becoming a mother: give natural birth and breastfeed my child for as long as he wanted to. I was blessed to at least get my first request. Unfortunately, post-partum depression, sleep deprivation, traveling for work and for school every month, a thyroid disorder, and stress has taken its toll on my milk supply. At three months I seriously considered weaning him to formula but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept up the good fight despite only making three, maybe four ounces a feeding and having to supplement with formula if he wanted more, not to mention not being able to pump enough to have a full supply for when I was out of town (which is often). I have made it past six months, almost to seven, and I must now begrudgingly admit it is time to wean him to formula. This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make and it goes against everything I believe in concerning natural child-rearing.

There is of course the guilt and the questions of why can't I do this if so many other women can? There is the shame of feeling like less of a mother. There is the pain of not having that bond with your child, not to mention the comments or looks when you're feeding him a bottle in public. (To be clear, these also happen when you're trying to breastfeed in public. See first paragraph) I'm in the middle of transitioning him, so of course the feelings are the most intense at the moment. I've had several well-meaning people tell me this is no big deal, he is perfectly healthy and I'm being silly. But let me reiterate: this is my journey. Mine and my son's. We decide what is best for us and I feel because of external factors I have had that chance taken away from me. Will this be the end of my world? Of course not. But don't demean my experiences in the name of trying to make it all seem trivial.

I am taking this step by step, day by day. I know with time this too will pass.

Denora

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Ostara: Spring has Sprung

The wheel continues to turn, and now we've come to the Vernal Equinox. Ostara, that time when the daylight hours finally catch up to the night and darkness. We can feel winter's release from the land as it slowly retreats. I took my son outside the other day and we touched the plants just beginning to bud. The green life is just waiting to spring forth--it's so close!

Robins have come back and are grabbing worms out of the earth in the morning. The skinny squirrels, after a long and harsh winter season are hurriedly rushing around restocking and eating to gain weight. The groundhog that lives in my back yard and warned me of how harsh our winter would be looks like he has lost fifteen pounds. I can smell the earth finally thawing.

The sun on my skin feels new--not quite the intensity of summer, but just a kiss right now. The grocery stores are stocked with bitter greens; kale, asparagus, collard, arugula, bok choy...all these things to flush out the heaviness of winter foods that we've stored for so long. Our bodies yearn for movement, craving the fresh air.

The Vernal Equinox relates to balance, rebirth, renewal, and resurrection. The symbolism of the Easter egg is tied to fertility and the rebirth of the cosmos. The rabbit is also a symbol of fertility, in addition to its dual nature of dwelling in two worlds--underground and above ground thus its association with the earth and underworld. The Goddess is Maiden in all her glory, youthful and new. The God is coming into his maturity and the dance of their love is innocent.

This spring comes with new promise. New life, and new beginnings are in the air. Go outside, enjoy the sunshine, and celebrate that spring has sprung!


Our Karmic Legacy

I believe in Karma. I also believe in the prospect of pre-arranged contracts with the ones we love and those in our lives. Sometimes they stay, sometimes they go, but always with a lesson. Sometimes they stay forever because they are family.

I have a difficult time sometimes with Karmic contracts that keep us in a perpetual cycle of suffering. What is the lesson to be learned? Can we help another person or are we doomed to relive the past over and over without end? How much of another's suffering must we endure before we cut ties and can we ever truly walk away? These are challenges we all face, but we must ultimately grapple with the answers and the consequences of our actions.

What did we do in another life together? Can we be done hurting each other? Can the suffering end?

I love you.

Denora

Saturday, March 22, 2014

In Memoriam: Judy Harrow

I first met Judy Harrow at my first Sacred Well Convention in 2010. My best friend and I had decided to go together and there were probably 80 or so people there. We ended up in the same cabin as roomies.

My first impression of her was curious--this woman was clearly respected in our community but I had not heard of her. She had a soft voice and a wisdom that drew me to her. As the weekend went on we listened to her around the fire or I caught small conversations with her about the Goddess and what it means to be a priestess. I remember her telling me about drawing down the moon and what that's like. After the conference I bought her book "Spiritual Mentoring: A Pagan Guide" and found that to be very insightful.

Throughout the years I have come to understand the threads that are woven in our community starting with our elders. They are the ones who have walked the path before us, but we are the ones who will carry the torch in their absence. Judy will leave many behind who have benefited from her teachings and her presence, including me. I can't say it any better than Taniquetil: "Sister Cliendori, may the Ferryman guide you safely to the Summerland."

Here is a Patheos post on her passing: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/themediawitches/2014/03/sad-sudden-loss-of-a-pagan-elder-rest-in-peace-judy-harrow/

Here is her information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judy_Harrow


Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The Children Dilemma

I don't want the title of this post to be misleading in any way. I love children. In fact, I have one of my own. I love him more than life itself, but I would be lying to you if I told you it was all sunshine and rainbows all the time. My best friend re-posted an article on Facebook and I had to write a post about it because this has been on my mind for a few months now:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-berube/2014/02/you-shouldnt-need-a-reason-for-not-having-kids/

This article touched on those who make the choice not to have children at all, but I want to add a group to this--the "one and done" folks. Folks like me who are seriously considering stopping with just my son.

But why stop at one? Aren't I afraid he'll be lonely? Doesn't he deserve a sibling? Won't he be spoiled? What happens if something happens to him?!

See, the inappropriate questions don't just stop if you're considering not having one at all. After you've had one the assumption is of course you'll add to your flock, and if you don't you're selling both yourself and your offspring short.

Here's a thought: the more I look at my little family, me, my husband, and my beautiful son--the more I realize I can devote so much to him that I wouldn't be able to do with more. All of my time, all of my resources, all of my love. He can do more recreational things in school because I can afford it if he wants. He can go to better schools if he wants. The cost of living is expensive in the Northeast. And then there are the reasons that are taboo to talk about...I want my body back. This birth was so hard on my mental state, emotional stability, and my body. I have a thyroid disorder, I'm on antidepressants for post-partum depression. I miss the way my marriage used to be so effortless and now it's a little strained. I love breastfeeding him but it is so hard while I travel for school and the ANG. And I'm trying to jumpstart a career. I did seven years on active duty and now I want to do something meaningful for me.

So yes, I might be selfish. But ask yourself what is more selfish--bringing another human being into this world to fit some arbitrary ideal that there should always be more than one per family for "balance" purposes, or taking an honest assessment of my abilities and resources and devoting everything I have to what I have? Think about that next time you want to make any comments on a woman's decision to live her life with children or without.



Denora